First
by Earwax
Summary: Illyria's thoughts during her Machiavellian speech to Angel during 'Time Bomb.'


**Author's Notes:** My take on what Illyria was thinking during her last alone scene with Angel in 'Time Bomb'. All the dialogue is from that episode.

**First**

**(An Angel Fic)**

I had returned to the training room, this time the half-breed was with me. We stood amidst the remains of what I had recently slaughtered. The blood was still warm, the ash still fresh. I felt his pain so keenly. I could feel the vampire's torment, could see it hovering around him. He hated me just then. Standing there holding the weapon that had killed his friends, his family. His pain left no room for anger. His despair was glorious to behold. The sight of his dead companions nearly broke him. Nearly. I wanted to break him. Break the insubordinate ooze as I should have done weeks ago. If my greatness was to end, than his would as well.

"This is now," the half-breed whispered.

I watched him soak in the blood, soak in the death. I felt my triumph at hand and I wasted no time hurting him as he was meant to be hurt. "Yes. Nothing's what it used to be, is it?"

"No..."

The ooze was still staring at the bodies. This half-breed thought himself to be a king, he refused to see himself as lower than the dust beneath my feet. Wretched creature. I would have to teach him respect before I kill him. I began to circle the corpses. "These are the fruits of your attempt to murder me. Your kingdom turned to ash and stale wind."

At the mention of ash, I saw the vampire's eyes roam to a mountain of dust by my feet. It was not his, but that of his companion, the one that I had hoped to make my pet. I drove my axe into the floor. "I slew the white-haired one first."

The white vampire's death hurt him the most, I could see it. The grief was surrounding him, choking him, causing him to reek. The stench was nearly intolerable. The ooze had been close to my pet. There had been a connection of blood between the two, a faint connection that had just begun to strengthen. I destroyed their bond, I made the half-breed hollow.

"This can't be," the ooze said.

I drank his pain like that of the finest elixir. Proudly, I picked up my axe. "And then Wesley, as he raised his weapon." _Wesley. _The only human worthy enough for me to use his name. He had been intriguing. I had wished to study him further. Pity he had gotten in my way. "And your demon clown as he wilted in terror." A heart surrounded in darkness. He had been the weakest among them. I had rejoiced in his crushing.

"And I'm next."

The ooze was so sure of himself. Even in the wake of their deaths, he was arrogant. My presence did not instill fear in him as it should. "No vampire," I threw my axe atop the ash that had once been the half-breed king, "you were last."

I should have cast my axe on the dust of the white-haired ooze, it would have increased his pain tenfold. I shall have to kill him by the white one's remains. He deserves to smell what he shall become before I make the king join his subjects.

"Why?" the half-breed asked.

Was that all the vampire could say? Such a simple word. I had hoped for more. "You know nothing of this. You're from an earlier point in the time line. You are a paradox. You're impossible."

"We attacked you."

"I didn't give you the chance. That you learn when you become a king. Unh!" The pain had returned. I could feel it growing inside me. I could feel my power moving inside the shell. It was nearly intolerable, but I would not show weakness in front of a half-breed. I continued to circle the vampire and I spoke through my anguish. "You learn to destroy everything that's not utterly yours. All that matters is victory. That's how your reign persists. You're a slave to an insane construct. You are moral. A true ruler is as moral as a hurricane, empty but for the force of his gale."

Another groan escaped my lips. The pain was growing worse. I felt the end. I knew it would be soon, but I would not submit to it willingly. I fought it. I fought it with all the strength of my being. I was not yet ready to die and I was not yet finished with the half-breed. "But you... trapped in the web of the Wolf, the Ram, the Hart. So much power here, and you quibble at its price."

I was dying. I, the great God-king Illyria, was dying and yet I still found time to teach the simple half-breed lessons I have known since birth. Teaching the creature who sought to murder me. It was my knowledge that would hurt him. For I saw things as they truly were. The blind vampire saw only shadows. Ignoring my suffering, I looked the vampire in the eyes. "If you want to win a war, you must serve no master but your ambition. Aaaah!" The pain was too great. I could no longer bear it. I gasped and stepped away from the ooze. My final destruction was at hand. "Aaaaah! Oh, you have not lied. My undoing is beyond you, your people. Something is broken inside me." I grasped my head. "Aaah! My power is too great! I know this now, as I know it every time I come to this moment."

"Illyria, if I'm here, if I am paradox, then this can all change, can't it? You said things had been altered, what you said, what you did. You can change this outcome!"

I wished the half-breed would stop making his noise. My death was at hand and his voice was irritating. I took consolation in the fact that I would not die alone. When my power came forth, the vampire would be swept into its wake. I destroyed the half-breed in the end. I had gotten my revenge. If only I had more time to savor it.

"Change is constant," I gasped. "Yet things remain the same."

A glowing blue fracture appeared in the shell's immaculate cheek. I could feel her body cracking apart, shooting out my essence. So this was how I end. How far I had fallen! I had been a god, now I was an echo. Lower even then the Wolf, the Ram, and the Hart. I felt the shell explode. I felt pain. Such a gorgeous amount of pain, and then, nothing.


End file.
